Dear Sir,

I wish to object most strongly to the appearance of my obituary in your columns. I am not, in point of fact, deceased. Indeed to goodness, no! I go, even now, to a new opening as Assistant Chief Quality Control Inspector in Darrrzit! (With special responsibility for, ahem, Poole zoo.) I clinched the job after showing a great knowledge of mammalian quadrupeds at the interview. Well, all right, before the interview. Anyway, how was I supposed to know that their Chief Executive's window overlooked the surpassingly delightful company caprine? I look forward to receiving your organ in my new position (so to speak).

Yours Faithfully,

"Stud" Jewnes.