Dear Sir,

I wish to protest at the obituary claiming that I have passed away. My good lady can testify that I am still alive, Why, only last week I purchased a new pair of braces (to match my new belt) and Marlene, examining them closely, pronounced herself satisfied and said, "They'll see you out, Fogs!"

She did wince at the unfortunate personal association though when the thoughtless assistant asked if she'd like a box. That reminds me, I had a letter from Readers' Digest last Wednesday - or was it Tuesday? No, it was Wednesday because on Tuesdays I have my piano lessons and I'd...

(We had enough of this fucking boring old toffee when he was still here so we can well do without the other six pages of inconsequential minutiae and headache producing bollocks - Asst. Ed.) (Agreed - Ed.)